A Modern Fairy Tale
Originally published on PostGradProblems.com
Once upon a time, deep in an enchanted forest, in a far-away land, there lived a young prince. Well, technically it wasn’t an enchanted forest, it was Central Park. And he didn’t live in the park, obviously, because he wasn’t a squirrel. He lived next to it, in the Upper East Side. And if we're being super specific, he lived next to the Upper East Side, in Midtown East. But he told people he lived “literally, right next to Central Park, bro,” so when you think about it, he practically lived in an enchanted forest. Also, he wasn’t a prince. Obviously. But he was entitled and had a trust fund and called his parents “mother and father,” which is pretty close. So while none of that first sentence is true, in a more real sense, it totally is.
Anyway. Deep in an enchanted forest, in a far-away land, there lived a young prince. He had spent the last 28 years of his reveling in his royal upbringing, and enjoying the lavish lifestyle bestowed upon him by his father, the King Of Commercial Real Estate In The North East. The prince had attended the finest institutions in the land on his parents dime. He had been given a brownstone palace of his very own, where he lived with his knights, Sir Brad, Sir Trevor, and Sir T-Bone, whose given name was Thomas, but demanded his nickname be used constantly.
Truly, the prince had lived a life of luxury and having his every desire granted. But on this warm spring day, that would all come to an end. The King and Queen had requested his presence in the royal palace, and when he stepped out of his Uber Black carriage and on to the cobbled stone driveway, he saw the Queen waving at him to come inside. After exchanging forced pleasantries while the King “finished up some business,” they all sat down at the dining table. No sooner had the first course been served than the Queen broke the silence.
“Honey, your father and I think it’s time for you to settle down and start looking for a nice girl. I know you’ve been enjoying running around with those…friends of yours. But enough is enough. It’s time for you to find someone you can bring home for dinner.”
Stunned, the prince spoke to his father, who was absentmindedly checking emails on his phone.
“Dad, I’ll find someone when I’m ready. I-“
“You’ll do what your mother says," his father replied curtly, not looking up. "Clean up your act. Or would you rather find your own place to live? A studio apartment in Soho maybe?”
The King had spoken. On the carriage ride home, the prince hailed his knights and broke the news. Their mission was clear. Tonight, they would find him a princess.
* * * *
Miles away, the princess stirred. Her eyes fluttered open softly in the evening light as birdsong filled the air, growing and echoing off the walls of her chambers until suddenly, her door burst open.
“Hey sleeping beauty! Turn off your fucking alarm and get up, we’re going out.”
The princess picked up a clear plastic slipper and threw it at her roommate, who had already vanished. She floated around her room, sliding into a gown she had stolen from Forever 21 when she was in college, and walked out in to the living room she shared with three other girls. She accepted a chalice from one of them, and smiled as the elixir filled her stomach. Then she spoke, with a voice like a heavenly chorus.
“How much fucking vodka did you put in this? I’m going to get wasted tonight.”
A while later, the princes stood in line to the royal ball. She could hear the sounds of the band (a 34-year-old DJ named Eric) playing a Zedd Remix as the line moved forward, and she was swept into the grand ballroom. A sea of lights, bass, and dancers spread out in front of her, and she dove willingly into the crowd.
* * * *
The ball was nearing its peak as the prince and his knights emerged from their private quarters. The door to the bathroom flew into the wall under a powerful grip as his strong gaze pierced through the crowd. The pixie dust he had snorted off the back of the toilet had done its trick, and he was flying high. He looked to find their table, when suddenly, something caught his eye. He saw her. His princess.
She was sleeping peacefully in a booth, her fair hair curling beneath her and her pristine skin glowing in the light. Light twinkled around her as if in slow motion as one of a cocktail waitress dropped a sparkler. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and in a moment, he knew she was the one. His princess.
He walked up to her, slowly, and gazed down upon her immaculate features. She looked so peaceful, as if under a spell. She had been poisoned, and he knew what needed to be done to break the curse. Only true loves kiss could save her. He bent down, and placed a kiss on her sleeping lips, and immediately felt it begin to work. She awoke, looked up at him with emerald green eyes, and spoke with a voice of an angel.
“What the FUCK?!”
As soon as her voice hit his ears, he knew it was true love. He felt as though he was being floating, being buoyed into the air as magic filled his soul and lifted him off his feet.
But it wasn’t magic. It was the bouncers, and they threw his ass to the ground and held him there until the cops showed up. And the prince was charged with sexual assault, and he lost his job, and his parents cut him off, and sometimes when he looked back on that day, his balls still ached with the memory of how hard the princess’s roommate kicked him while he lay there on the floor.
And the princess lived happily ever after.