Noam
Paoletti

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Being an adult often just means repeating the same conversations, over and over again, until you die. “How’re your kids?”

“Got any weekend plans?” “Did you catch the game?” All similar questions, that lead to similar conversations, that lead to you secretly fantasizing about moving out to the wilderness of Alaska just to escape human interaction. But the biggest offender is the always-present: “So, what do you do for a living?”

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It’s a tough question, because on one hand, you don’t want to be too bland and generic (I’m in sales), but on the other, you don’t want to get too technical and specific for a question that no one cares about either (I’m a molecular geneticist working on…I can’t even bullshit my way through the rest of this example because I have no idea what scientists do). Sure, this question sucks, but so do people, so unfortunately, it’s not going anywhere. So I’m here to help. Here’s an easy guide on how how to honestly and succinctly tell people what you do, based on some popular jobs.

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Teacher

I yell at kids to be quiet for eight hours a day and do my best to make sure they know basic knowledge things so they don’t end up on one of those “Americans can’t find their own country on the map” Jimmy Kimmel videos.

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Construction Worker

I build stuff, like your work and your house. I have actual value in society.

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Writer

I justify my alcohol use and inability to focus by telling people “I’m a creative” and that this is “my process.” I have no actual value in society.

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Art Director

I turn ideas into reality with just my own two hands (and several high-powered computer programs, twelve hours of scrolling Getty, and roughly eleven hundred tabs open.) My actual desk is super put together and trendy but my computer desktop looks like the apocalypse.

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Engineer (Computer)

I talk to computers in a special language and make them do what I want to do. If only I knew how to communicate with humans.

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Engineer (All Other)

I turn math into real things like buildings, pipes, electrical systems, medical devices, and tons of other cool and complex life-helping stuff.

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Sales

I sell shit and buy shit. What I sell varies, but what I buy is always adderall .

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Finance Analyst

Oh, did the sales guy tell you he does adderral? That’s cute. I’m the loudest 24-year-old you'll ever meet, and I turn numbers into money for richer people in exchange for them giving me the (still sizable) scraps.

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Nurse

I treat sick people and save lives. I am a superhero.

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Doctor

I tell nurses how to treat people and save lives.

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Surgeons

I save lives and/or marriages depending on what kind of surgery I do. I think I am god.

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Project Manager

I keep track of people and timelines and turn nothing into something through the power of stress. 

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Product Manager

See above. I still don't understand how these are different jobs.

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Artist

I’m unemployed.

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Actor

You don’t recognize me? Then I’m a bartender.

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Model

I have an Instagram account with 8K followers. I am also a bartender.

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Lawyer

I research people into or out of trouble.

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Factory/Mill/Steel Worker

I am the backbone of this country and you’ll need to wash your hands after our handshake.

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Travel Agent

I don’t know how I still have a job. I’m a 55-year-old mother of three.

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Realtor

I show you houses you could have found online. I’m also 55-year-old mother of three.

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Account Person

I am the middleman between people in my company that are mad at me and people at another company that are mad at me.

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Small Business Owner

I am either a humble millionaire or six weeks away from bankruptcy. Regardless, my family has no idea what our finances looks like.

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Actuary

I turn people’s lives into numbers so insurance companies can screw them over more accurately.

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Accountant

I help save rich people money. I either work in a high-rise executive suite or a strip mall. 

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Personal Trainer

I’m an attractive version of a workout guide that you could find with literally ten seconds of Googling.

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Drug Dealer

I give people the drugs they pay for even if it kills them.

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CEO Of A Health Insurance Company

I don't give people the ​drugs they pay for even if it kills them.

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Event Planner

I bend over backwards to give people the experience they asked for and then get yelled at regardless.

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Therapist

I make people feel better about their lives.

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Bartender

See above.

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Military Member

I put my life in danger to protect American ideals, which is very admirable. Often I put my life in danger for reasons no one understands, because of old assholes in DC backrooms. Mostly I’m bored a lot.

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Politician

I’m an old asshole in a DC backroom.

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Intern

I’m trapped in a three-month-long interview. It’s a fucking nightmare.

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Police

I help save people from bad guys. Sometimes the bad guy is me.

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Firefighter

I run into burning buildings to save people. I am a superhero.

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Cook

I cook food to supplement my drug addiction.

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And there you have it. Now you know what to answer when you inevitably get asked. If your job didn’t make the list, it doesn’t count as a real job, sorry.